Old Man Powers to the Rescue

logicalbookthief:

Sometime after the finale, on one of their many adventures, Stan decides to use his “old man powers” to get them out of a jam. Ford is not amused.

Sorta inspired by this post, mainly inspired by the fact that I’m so full of fluffy feelings for these two old dorks.

---

Apparently, local law enforcement did not appreciate two old men running away with one of their oldest, tourist-attracting monuments. As the former proprietor of a tourist trap, Stan can sympathize; however, when said stone monument was fueling an active volcano like an ancient voodoo Energizer battery, and causing seismic impulses that disturbed the giant squid population and put them into a collision with the Stan o’ War II, the least they could was offer a little gratitude, the jerks.

Local law enforcement, moreover, seems to be in no mood to listen to the explanations of two old “crackpots” that smell like fish.  

Where’s a grappling hook when you need one.

They manage to sprint into town without being caught and cuffed, but the fuzz cannot be far behind, unfortunately.

Out of breath, Stan takes a minute to ignore his brother’s stready stream of unhelpful nerd babble and glance around, instinctively searching for a get-away.

His eyes linger on an ambulance parked outside a nearby café, the driver and EMT having a sandwich and coffee. And that’s when the exercise-aggravated pulse rapidly beating against his eardrum gives him an idea.

He’s found their ticket out of here. But it’ll take some conniving.

“Time to use my old man powers,” Stan mumbles shrewdly. Elbowing his brother, he whispers, “Psst, Sixer. Play along, okay?”

Ford, who has been contemplating possible and increasingly convoluted escape routes under his breath and not paying attention, replies, “Huh? Stan, did you say something?”

He receives no response, only sees his brother collapse in a heap of pain, grasping his chest.

Of course, thinking that the stress of their situation combined with Stan’s age has finally taken its told, Ford panics and calls for help.

Ten minutes later, in the back of the ambulance, Stan pokes an eye open before sitting up.

“Phew, that was close,” he exhales, a little grin on his face. “Boy, that was some ingenious improvising back there, Sixer! Getting all choked up and yelling at the poor EMT to hurry up, heh, didn’t know you had it in ya–”

“Stan!” Ford gasps, staring at his brother in relief and growing suspicion. “Are you alright, you – wait, what are you saying?”

Stan blinks. “You didn’t really think I was having a heart attack, did you?”

“What?” Ford and the hapless EMT say at the same time. Stan’s brow furrows.

“Didn’t you hear me telling you to play along?”

“No, I did not!”

“Pft, and you accuse me of never listening.”

“Stanley, I cannot believe you–” Ford exclaims, ire rising to astronomical levels. “I thought you were suffering or dying and you just – How could you fake something like that?!”

“Yeah, you’re right,” sighs Stan. “I should have known you were genuinely worried, otherwise you could never act that good. You not hearing my cue probably saved both our asses.”

Ford twitches, sensing his own blood pressure rise.

“Well, it’s lucky we’re already in an ambulance, because I’m about to knock you flat!” and it’s all the warning Stan gets before his brother lunges at him.

“Hey, would you have rather gotten caught by the fuzz?! I ain’t going back to the big house, Ford!”

“You faked a heart attack to avoid arrest, I am positive there are laws against that in this dimension!”

“Excuse me!” yells the EMT, and after remembering that they are not alone, the old men stop acting like second graders and look at her.

“For the record, I think as far as anyone else is concerned, you’re both lunatics. That being said, we’re wasting time hauling you two around when there could be actual emergencies. So please tell us where you want to be dropped off before I change my mind and punish you for interrupting my lunch break.”

Sheepishly, Ford mumbles, “The pier, thank you,” while Stan flops back on the gurney, grumbling, “I think I’d feel safer at the hospital.”